A list you say?! You mean that I, Max Barnard, am writing shoddy 'comedic/entertaining' lists about things that are supposed to catch your interest? Yes? Oh. Okay. Well I guess if I absolutely HAVE to do these every friday then I may as well start now. What is it this time? A title THAT long? Christ on a bicycle!
Remember lists? You see them on pretty much every geek entertainment site and, if we're all honest, you should be absolutely bloody sick of them. So much that the next time you see a site start to produce them you should hunt down the writer and kill his fat British arse. So what better time for my fat British arse to start a weekly list feature?
Yes, it's time for another new feature for this first week of Comicflipper's resurrection, this time being a list of 10 morals you could gain from reading certain manga. If you're thick enough to misinterpret them COMPLETELY. So... A short list really, consisting of single sentences. Phoning it in? Yes, I am. Now bugger off...
... TO AFTER THE JUMP FOR THE FULL LIST!
1. Katekyo Hitman Reborn
"Katekyo Hitman Reborn teaches that it's perfectly acceptable to let your young child join the Mafia and carelessly throw grenades at other children! REMOVE THIS MONSTROSITY FROM OUR LIBRARIES!"
"This shows that cheating and stealing to win at card games is fine! It's the way to fame and glory! IT'S MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE!"
3. One Piece
"This 'book' teaches that it is COOL to be a pirate! Clearly our children will travel to Somalia and KILL ALL HE CHILDREN WITH UZIS!"
4. Beet The Vandel Buster
"This manga is sexist to an extreme. It shows that if you tell enough people that you're engaged to a girl her will will eventually collapse and she'll become a subservient member of the strong male's 'team'. It's horrifically sexist and I shall now complain about it whilst I write some exploitative Yaoi fan-fiction."
5. Detroit Metal City
"Children will clearly read this mature-rated work where a man sings about vicious incestual rape and murder. AND THEN THEY'LL COMMIT SUCH CRIMINAL ACTS! IT'S TRUE, SOMEONE TOLD ME IT WOULD HAPPEN!"
6. Death Note
"This horrific work encourages students to kill others under the pretense that you can get away with it as long as you get good grades!"
7. Shaman King
"The vaguely alluded to unprotected sex between an engaged couple, aged 15, who cohabitate the night before he goes off on a worldwide quest that will probably result in his death is such a morally null plot point that it can only poison the minds of children to become sexually active early. I mean you can see them do EVERYTHING!... What do you mean you CAN'T?"
8. Ultimate Muscle
"This teaches children who aspire to be professional wrestlers that pooing yourself is the key to any victory, especially in the company of your peers!"
9. Hot Gimmick
"Hot Gimmick teaches that abusive relationships are fine if you're a vapid, weak personality, as surely all women must be in this universe. I must be right, I read a few pages of it!"
10. OEL Manga
"This entire subset of manga shows that it isn't awful to be a westerner aping a decades old industry just because you watched some Dragon Ball Z when you were young and now desperately wish you were Japanese and you can yell completely mispronounced anime cliches at passers-by because THAT'S WHAT ANIME CHARACTERS DO, you pathetic, weeaboo cunt. I mean heck, you think this is drawing competently? I mean what's going on here with the shitty expressions and overacted motions and looking the wrong way because you can't draw this shit properly and are using manga tropes as a fucking excuse. Why don't you just crawl into the foetal position and cry yourself to death you HACKS!"
.... Okay, I may have been projecting my own opinion at the end there. Just a little.