Monday, 15 June 2009

Top Ten #1: Worst Marvel Comic Covers

Comics often sell on the impression their covers give off, especially new series. The only issue is that some comics have such disgustingly hideous artwork, clutter or other factors that you just want to run the hell away. Herein will be the worst of the worst offenders, featuring such non-talents as Rob Liefeld(obviously), Greg Land and a true legend who got perhaps a little too much praise considering some of the shit he churned out. "Worst ____ Comic Book Covers" Part 1 of 3!

Read on, you crazy diamonds!
EDIT: apologies about the massive space before clicking read more, not sure what I've done there. Still I'll figure it out by the next one.

(Every now and then Luke the Swift and his lady-friend Laura will pipe in with their opinions in these top tens. Like here!)

#10: Reborn #1 Alex Ross Variant

MAX: This managed to sneak in at the last second. Avoiding my bias against Steve Rogers(USAgent is better) this is just an awful cover. Pink-Opera-Singing-Cap fading away into white painfully with a big ball for a left hand? If anyone actually hunts out this variant cover I'll be shocked. I mean this guy churned out some great covers for Marvels, but this could be so much better. Instead it's just a SHINY TURD.

LUKE: It looks like they just didn't bother to draw his legs. It's like they couldn't be fucked, throwing out some half-finished art. Also for what's supposed to be him RETURNING it looks like he's fading to white.

#9: Uncanny X-men #500 Greg Land Variant

MAX: There was so much I was going to say about how awful this cover is, how Cannonball looks like a grunge musician for some reason, Armour is hidden right at the back, Storm appears to be listening to music at a rave and such, but just as I was about to get started I came across THIS, where it has been pointed out that it is.... *ahem* (sorry, bit of linkage overdose) pretty much all just traces and recycling. Greg Land isn't an artist. Just a terrible hack.

#8: Wolverine #42 by Humberto Ramos
MAX: Apparently Wolverine doesn't need a forehead to be the best at what he does, just a REALLY BIG MOUTH. Civil War covers bother me for having half the page taken up by the words CIVIL WAR, so the last thing I need is for there to be a crappy piece of artwork to go with the shitty layout.

LUKE: Oh yeah that's awful. Wolverine has no pointy ears, looks like someone else completely and kinda fat for some reason. It just bears no resemblance to him. Never seen any older image of wolverine where he looks like that.

#7: 'Rulk' #1 by Ed McGuinness
MAX: The Hulk has always been about being freakishly muscley and looking strong, so seeing a tumour plagued Liefeldian monstrosity fill up the entire cover with his freakish visage... Well it just makes me wonder why people bought it.

LUKE: It looks like RULK's got lizards crawling up his arms. Also he has another set of shoulders just for his NECK!

#6: Civil War: X-men #1 by Juan Doe
MAX: Cyclops has aged considerably from holding his breath and turning purple, whilst Bishop is being played in this picture by an anorexic Seal. Not to mention that this abomination is once again crushed above CIVIL WAAAAAAR. *mutters miserably* And just in case this doesn't sound as bad as the previous entries, I feel the need to point out that Juan Doe can do awesome covers at the drop of a pin, so this is just... unexplainable.

LUKE: Cyclops just looks like a geriatric. It reminds me of someone but I can't think who.

#5: X-Men #1 by Jack Kirby
MAX: I get that the old King Kirby comics get a lot of praise art-wise and rightly so on most occasions, but this is just stupid. ICEman is made of snow (or a much less pleasant substance. Ick) for some reason and is throwing his snow (or spunk) at Magneto's cape. Because when you think of how to beat a master of magnetism you think CAPE. It's ridiculous, and this is without even going into Cyclops' mysterious turtle looking neck up the top left, or Jean Grey's random pose in the background. Kirby's covers were usually of situations contained within the comic so it helped that he usually drew great art. This just makes me wonder what awful shite might be contained within(luckily the issue itself is pretty good).

LAURA: Iceman looks like he's papier mache and there's random bits of metal sticking out the walls for some reason that they're swinging on. Lame.

LUKE: Iceman has an impressive curveball. Under that trajectory it shouldn't hit magneto's cape at all. I'm pretty sure the curve would go the other way. Angel looks pretty badass with that rocket launcher though. *is told that that's just some random metal about that he's swinging on* What? That's just... What?

#4: Cable #1 by Ariel Olivetti

MAX: Since when did Cable's techno-organic arm need articulation and a biohazard symbol. That's just retarded. He's ridiculously huge compared to the kid strapped to his front as well. Has Cable been experimenting with Pym particles? No, Olivetti is just a bad artist with a fetish for overly muscular people. Wait... Is Olivetti just Liefeld in disguise?!

LUKE: Better than Olivetti's cover to the Punisher War Journal 2 paperback in my opinion. Cable just looks like an action figure with the metal arm and his right hand
looking like it's molded to hold a toy gun.

#3: Secret Invasion: Dark Reign One-Shot by Alex Maleev

MAX: I LIKE Alex Maleev. I mean I genuinely like his art, especially the Nick Fury and Daisy Johnson stuff in Mighty Avengers. I'm looking forward to Spider-Woman with baited breath(which considering I don't even like the character says a lot). So you can imagine how appalling it is to see this shit churned out. The cover has nothing on how bad the content of the issue is, but we're looking at a Loki cosplayer, a twat in a hoodie, some random dude in the middle, Emma Frost(okay that can't be done wrong she's pretty easy), Namor(unlike the fat pervert within the issue) and a kinda hunchbacked midget DOOM! Maleev can do so much better than this painful shit, so it sits here in its rightful place at #3.

LUKE: Loki's jugs don't look right. I mean it looks like they're in a bra,
but it has to be the least supportive bra i've ever seen. They're just drooped
and it's weird.

MAX: Not a bra. It's a..... Corset maybe?

#2: Captain America #2 by Rob Liefeld

MAX: Ah and so we come to something by Rob Liefeld. I've tried to avoid putting more than one thing by him into this Top Ten, else have it only contain his terror. Also to anyone who knows about Liefeld you have to understand how bad whatever #1 is for Liefeld to come second to it. I mean JUST LOOK AT THIS! Cap's neck appears to be made out of millions of strands of string, explaining the pain and starved look on his face(string people can't eat. FACT!). It doesn't even look like Cap has eyes (something Linkara of AT4W fame has named Youngblood's Disease, and with good reason) and this is without even mentioning how Captain America's shield is attached to him by MAGIC! This is awful, Liefeld is awful, my eyes are hurting and I want to stop looking at it now.

LUKE: Captain America looks kinda like a rodent. I don't know why. He's got a head growing out of his leg! Did he crush it between his MASSIVE THIGHS? There's like an arm on the floor, has he killed a woman?! Does the red skull just keep arms in his collar?! Is Liefeld just practicing drawing arms on the cover, forgetting it was going to be a cover? I mean it's a man's arm by the look of it, WHAT'S GOING ON?!

#1: Wolverine: Revolver One-Shot by Das Pastoras


LUKE: That's Wolverine? It's like he's drawn over some fanart of Wolverine
a 12 year old fan has sent in. What's that bat-monkey thing behind him? Is
this marvel apes? Wolverine doesn't even look like any possible human being, it's like the blood has been drained out of him or something.

LAURA: This gave max a nightmare.

MAX: *whimper*

MAX: *ahem* This prestigious award for shittyness in cover artistry can only go to the one person so atrociously bad that in all his years working on various comics I couldn't find ONE good cover with his artwork. Of course I am talking about our second place wonder, ROB LIEFELD!

FEAST ON IT ALL! Also I couldn't think of what to put in the speech bubble shut up.
Conclusions and what GOOD covers look like to follow soon.


  1. The Liefeld cap one is truly horrible. There's some sort of lava explosion in the top right. And why is Nuck Fury's head growing out of Cappy's back?

  2. Oh, and the flag is melting at the bottom into purple goo.


    I cannot really comment on any of these; it is sad, so I just write down random statements :)


    9.That's not a beast, that's a blue cute little doggie.

    But there is too much going on and what are they doing, are they fighting or it is a block party?

    8. Watermelon head; claws look like they cannot butter bread. And what the hell does he have in his legs...

    7. JAZZ HANDS!

    6. Bad case of cannot draw, using computer to colourise.

    5. It's a good cover, except I never thought art attack would go into the comics business.

    4. You don't get it, he is the kid! How come he is partially metal... that because all his artifical skin isn't gone.

    3. I'm blue etc... besides, if fire emits light, why isn't being reflected in their faces?

    2. Agreed.

    1. Wolverine's laugh in this picture; *NERD LAUGH* *NERD LAUGH* He go looking for wood with his buck teef!

    AS well... what is that goblin thing? Seriously, it has escaped Whedonland and is trying to take over the world! JOSS, GET OUT OF HERE!

  4. What's that duck with a coat :/

  5. Howard the duck, from an alternate universe. no powers, just knows quack-fu.

    and Leinil Francis Yu drew him looking STONED AS HELL for some reason. included that first image cause it WAS number 10 before the actual number 10 appeared.